I haven't written on my blog nor in my journal since May 19 and considering so much has happened within the last six months, I think it's high time I caught up. I have truly come to realize that the mistakes of others can really have an impact on your life and it truly has mine. The dishonesty and addictions and lying of those that you care most about changes your outlook on life and how much you wish they would change their lives to more righteous living to spare them the pain and especially those on the outside. I have been dealing with these things in my life from others for the past six months. I never knew it was possible to feel so much pain within just a few months. Although the choices of these people has caused me pain, it has not caused me as much pain as the passing of my father. My dad passed away on Oct. 29, 2009 of respiratory failure, diverticulosis, and peritonitis, all of the abdominal area in at DRMC in the ICU. I never knew it was possible to feel such physical and emotional and mental pain all at once. I've had so many emotions flooding through me the past 10 days that I wouldn't know where to begin explaining about it. I feel that if I knew why he had to be taken from us then I would be able to move on so much more easily. Though I know within my heart that our family is an eternal family and that I will see him again, my testimony has been shaken. Thoughts of doubt and what could be more important than his family and why, why why have flooded my mind. I am grateful to have had him in my life and to know him and know that we can be an eternal family. But looking ahead, life seems so long and hard. Always in my mind I had the picture of dancing with him at my wedding, him being apart of the blessing my future children, and a long happy life. It has been quoted many a time from 1 Corinthians 13 where the Lord will never give us more than he can bear. But after these past six months, I wonder how strong He really thinks I am. I have never really seen myself as a very strong person, and if this is a preface of things to come, I'm not sure if I can handle it. But now, more than ever, my family has truly become the most important thing in my life and I want to be with them forever. I just hope and pray I have enough faith and strong enough foundation to make it through this life.
"An Early Goodbye"
There is nothing and no one to blame
And there's no use in thinking what might have been
I would have kept you through life's short span
But God had a different plan
So I'll pray for the day when the sorrow will cease
Pray for the day when I'll know perfect peace
I'll find the courage to make it somehow
But I'm feeling so lonely now
So I'll cry a little bit and I'll try a little bit
And I'll trust in God above to make some sense of it
And my eye will be single to one bright star
To live my life worthy, to be where you are.
But today it's not easy. Today I may cry
So if you see a tear in my eye
It's the pain of an early goodbye
-Janice Kapp Perry-
